Friendships Shouldn’t Be That Complicated and Here's Why (Part 3 of 3)

Part 3 of 3 - Friendships shouldn’t be That complicated. But they are and this is why...

Some of our friends are nice people. But, allowing any of the 10 below will inhibit the growth and quality of that Friendship. It will destroy the friendship or you.

1. Selfishness

The ones who don’t consider you and always think about themselves. They love to brag about who they are and what they are doing. Always craving to be the centre of attention. They are ready to take and receive whatever you have to give but not ready to give back. Sometimes they come across as ‘playing the victim’, always pessimistic and negative.

2. The Critic

Always has negative criticism rather than constructive criticism. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. They will find a complaint about something you have done. They will never take any critique you present to them.

3. Manipulation

They use you to get what they want. They are only nice to you when they need something.

4. Possessiveness

Friends that don't allow you to have your own space. They are constantly in demand for your energy or your presence. This could be because they don’t trust you enough to have other friends or maybe because your too good to share. Friendships will involve sharing ourselves with others and not one person.

Who doesn’t respect your space?

Sometimes when you don’t give people space they can get tired of you. This can smother the friendship to the point it can destroy it.

One person can never have you all to themselves.

5. The Controller

The ones who like to be in control. They are the leader at all times. Sometimes they come across selfish, manipulative, and possessive.

Who around you doesn’t allow you to be yourself?

6. Jealousy

They are unhappy when you progress and downplay all the good things that happen to you. Sometimes they’re always there for your losses but not there to celebrate the wins. Sometimes this is due to personal insecurities. May come across negative. You can easily be misunderstood by them. As a result, you will walk on eggshells around them; trying to avoid their negativity. But still trying to be their friend.

7. The Easily Angered

At some point in our lives, there will be a time where we get easily irritated (unintentionally) with a friend. But all the time is not healthy. Again you find yourself walking on eggshells around them because you never know when they are gonna go ‘off’. They get angry and upset at any moment. You will find yourself picking up the pieces all the time.

In the same way, there are the friends that are O.K with you and then cold with you the next. They let you in one minute and shut you out the next (as a result of personal insecurities and low self-esteem). This can cause never-ending drama . This can lead to anxiety for that friend on the receiving end and also damage their self-worth. Again this is a toxic relationship you can’t keep blaming your friends or letting them deal with consequences for your insecurities.

8. The Competitor

They often compare you to themselves and keep scores and records of who did what and when, or who does it better. They often will hold your mistakes against you. This sometimes may include the person always being covetous and trying to get what you have.

9. Disloyalty

The friend who doesn’t have your back. They may spill your secrets. They don’t stand up for you. They don't defend you, when you are not there. When you tell them something in confidence they end up telling someone else. With the excuse: ‘well I guess you don't know them’ or ‘I know you won't tell nobody’. Or 'he/she is your friend too'. They are also the ones who would talk about issues they have with you to everyone else but you.

They are often linked to the...

10. Gossip

They spread rumours and leak everybody secrets. You never know when they will use your secrets against you as leverage or to gain something themselves. This leads to no trust in friendship and will destroy the friendship. They can separate friends from friends. You can’t trust a gossip, I no longer associate closely with one. If they’re gossiping about everybody, remember everybody includes you too. Sometimes people only want to know your business.

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I’ve encountered all different types of people with the above.

I’ve had friends that are about what I could do for them rather than how we can help each other. They want me to be their friend but don’t want to act like mine. They want me to make them feel good about themselves. They want me to be their friend because I’m nice and so they think I won’t hurt them or disappoint them. That I would do everything they ask me to do. They were the friends who were never really interested in who I am, what I like and my ambitions. They wanted to boast, moan, complain and use me to make them feel less lonely or sad. I allowed them. They would rather judge me and put me down than correct me, help me or lift me up. They never praised and celebrated my wins with me. But they were frontline to listen to (celebrate) my failures and losses. It was never about what we or I needed but only what they wanted to give (not what they can give). They were negative and added no value but only drained and sucked the life out of me.

I bet you're thinking, ‘what kind of friends do you have’ or either ‘I have a lot of friends.’ But I don't! I changed my approach to them. Also I never seriously viewed them as ‘friends’. Although they viewed me as one. I loved them when they came and still love them now they’re gone. They taught me about myself, people and relationships.

Important Things You Need In Your friendship circle

Acceptance

I’m talking about accepting your friends for who they are and all their flaws. Yes, they’re flaws!!! You can’t demand perfection from your friends. They are human.

Time, Effort and Energy

This a mutual and intentional choice both parties make. It’s not a ‘Tit for Tat’. Don’t expect a friend to know how to be your friend. You show them, let them know how you would want to be treated. Let them know when you need them. Be interested in each other, like-minded, not selfish. Be humble towards one another and considerate to others. Look out for one another's interests, as well as your own.

‭Trust

Friends that let you in. They’re not ‘all about me’ and but ‘us’. Friends love you at all times. They say to gain loyal friends you first need show loyalty. Be the friend you want and need. ‘A man that has friends must show himself friendly’

Can you keep a friend’s secrets to yourself? A friend won’t share secrets with whom they don’t consider a friend. If you repeat (gossip) a secret a friend has entrusted you, it’s likely that they wouldn’t come to you in confidence again.

Honesty and Vulnerability

Friends that are honest with you and will speak truth to you. But when they do it with care, patience and love and not rejection or with aggression. ‘For faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.’

Empathy

Friends must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry. Try to see things from their point of view. A friend must aim to be strong and able in the faith to step in and support, encourage a buddy who is weak. Be willing to cry and laugh together.

Sharing Trials

You should be able to share your wins and losses with your friends. In the same way, you should be able to celebrate the wins and losses of others; without being resentful, jealous or competitive. Friends don’t compete with each other.

Finally, but not least they should bring out their best in each other. Friends should attempt to share knowledge and raise discussion. These friends ideally should influence and inspire each other to do their best.

My Lesson learned : being nice is not all it takes to be a friend.

Beware!

If you have to be perfect to be treated kindly then your wasting each other’s time and damaging your self-worth.

You can subconsciously adopt these behaviours of your friend.

Some people are blindly insensitive to others.

There are people who don't care when you're alone they only care because they are alone.

There are people who don't care and will keep breaking your values.

There’s nothing wrong with lifting those around you and adding value to their lives. But Remember! You are not a fixer or saviour. You cannot heal, change or save everyone.